they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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