drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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