cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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