i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
