im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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