Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
