wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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