How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
