I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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