When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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