my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Slut skills are useful in every country.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
