I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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