I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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