i think i have two assholes
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
