The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
