listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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