cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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