Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
