she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
