and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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