It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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