I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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