Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
