he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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