Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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