the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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