I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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