Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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