Please, let me fuck your mom
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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