remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
