while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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