Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
