Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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