my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
