he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
