She's JV to your varsity
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
