I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
