I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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