I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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