if you like me you must not know who I am
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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