im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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