you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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