at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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