I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You can't just leave with hair like that
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im part way to drunk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
