Your face is a jimmy john
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
