I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
