I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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