it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
