so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
