My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
